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St. John of the Cross

Evening

How peculiar…

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All sorts of unexpected… results of my starting to read Evening Prayer from the Book of Common Prayer, to myself, on the internet rather than in the tiny print volumes at home. Starting on Advent I Sunday, I decided I would read something every day from the Book of Common Prayer. For one year. As a sort of intellectual emotional and spiritual religious experiment.

So I fluttered around with this collect and that, and Mid Day Prayer, and then Evening Prayer, first on the Canadian Prayer Book Society app, then on the Church of England app. And found to my surprise that the readings differed on each app, and then again on You Tube showings. And found out that there are various editions of the Prayer Book, including one with modernized language.

Well, fine. Confusing but also a bit unnerving.  Shouldn’t there be uniformity in the readings? Or will any reading suffice, on a particular day? And who chooses the readings? Can I choose my own?

Believe me, I would choose different ones. In BCP Evening Prayer I find  gloomy, tedious passages from Isaiah (although Isaiah has so many beautiful, uplifting sections). And wild passages from Revelations, which sound like LSD ravings, making no sense to me. And psalms full of violence and strife. So much nastiness, particularly in the Old Testament readings. Well, yuck.

 

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Edmonton sidewalk

Sadly I had just finished the collected works of St. John of the Cross. And I had put aside Divine Intimacy to make time for Evening prayer. And I often was uninspired to meditate from anything I had read in Evening Prayer.

Worst of all, I began to have nightmares, which I do when I get stressed. And three times in the past week I have lost my temper. When I lose my temper it is very unpleasant to others, as well as to myself. I have been so at peace for so long… And nothing awful is happening in my life to upset me. So I am tempted to point a finger at the Book of Common Prayer readings and psalms.

Yesterday I resumed reading from Divine Intimacy. I’ll make time. And after rooting through my bookcase I discovered Abandonment to Divine Providence by Jean Pierre de Caussade, which I read years ago. I’ll carry on with the Book of Common Prayer but cautiously and perhaps selectively. And see how it goes. 

Waves

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It was back in April that I became an overseas member of the Prayer Book Society. I had considered becoming a member of the Prayer Book Society of Canada. Canada was cheaper, and I am Canadian. But England was the source of the Book of Common Prayer and seemed more safe.

Safe? Well, I like the old services. They are predictable. No danger of crazies. The Anglican Church where I live is great, love it, but I feel restless there. I have stopped driving to in-person communion services, and withdrawn from Zoom morning prayer services. 

So I do doubt my faith on one hand. That the superficiality of the frosting on the cake is what I want. Not the cake itself. The cake itself is  day to day life for me. Living from one day to the next. Surviving. Doing my best and so on. 

 

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The icing though is what I need to get through the days of bland cake. I love the intricate harmonies of anthems, the exquisite beauty of a well-played pipe organ, the blunt sincerity of the words of the older liturgies,  the grand spaciousness of the huge churches. Even through videos I feel so transported, so calmed, so inspired. Safe too. 

I can manage through the day with a verse of music  running through my head, a crutch, a narcotic perhaps? Rather a lifeline to God, I think. Anyway, so it be. And, so be it, too. 

 

 

At night I still read from St. John of the Cross, though I am nearly finished and his writing has become very difficult because he writes now about the unobtainable. The unobtainable for me. A life without attachments. 

Today a bit of Faure’s Requiem Offertoire runs through my head. I could push it aside and struggle all day not to hear it. But instead I recall it when I am washing dishes, typing on the computer, out walking on the icy roads.

“O Domine, Jesu Christo Rex Domine”

The Offertoire is a prayer to Christ for the souls of the dead. I have become very attached to hearing it in my mind, in spite of  St. John’s admonitions.  I just can’t let it go. Too beautiful.  

lithouse

Inspiration of Sorts

Saint John of the Cross to the rescue, somewhat. This post will take me a moment to write.  And a moment, at the moment, I do not have. So I have  made a start. And will return later some time to carry on. 

Ah well. A day has gone by and I have forgotten what my great inspiration of sorts was. So I shall conjure up a new one from my boundless imagination.

St. John’s writing, in The Living Flame of Love, at some points gets too lofty for me to understand. In other places I more or less relate, sometimes a little, sometimes a little more, to what he  is expressing. For awhile, though, my nighly readings had become a struggle.

Then I got a few bits of understanding and, yes, got very inspired. Even though I was not up to trying to unite with God, there seemed to be a point to keeping God in mind throughout the day.

Then all of a sudden his writing started describing methods of spiritual directing. He began to criticize the bullying he thought some directors practised, as they attempted to steer their clients towards mental prayer.

He emphasized that at some point in a person’s spiritual life, it was time to put aside formal structured spiritual practices and let God take over. St. John said it was good at such times that these people spent lots of time alone, appearing to others to be idle and wasting time, because God was working inside them, teaching them.

Some part of me breathed a sigh of relief. In fact, yesterday I even had a short nap in my hammock, my loving cat lying close by, just before the yard got shady. It has been a long time since I have felt so at peace. 

And I understood how St. John of the Cross had upset some of his fellow religious by getting ahead of them in his spiritual philosophy. 

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Casting Off

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Somehow I managed to lose all my text for this post before it was published. Since I have work to attend to, I’ll make a fast summary. 

  • St. John of the Cross soars ever farther from my understanding, yet I hesitate to stop reading because it is so sublime.
  • A fairly large pile of firewood is outside waiting to be stacked somewhere. Soon, before the weather turns.
  • My walk to an isolated beach was a bit arduous for me on a hot day, but will worth it.
  • I saw a merganser, who stayed far off from me. And a dragonfly who hovered close by all the while I was there.
  • Being alone there in a quiet place was very calming to me. 

Solitude is considered by many spiritual authors to be a great away to find God. I have always felt defective for liking solitude. Only now that I am in my seventies do I accept the fact that liking to spend time alone is not a social or family crime. Yet negative thought habits are so hard to correct. 

Thy will be done! Lord have mercy.

On to the Living Flame

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spotted sandpiper
spotted sandpiper

Somehow I finished reading the Spiritual Canticle. And decided to stick with St. John of the Cross, although he has left me far behind with his visions. Ah well, it is nice to look at mountains even if you unwilling and unable to climb them. 

The Living Flame of Love is the next writing in the anthology. Began it last night. A poem about merging the soul with God, with a detailed analysis of the poem’s meaning(s). I cannot remember a thing I read last night. 

However I most certainly remember my little Carmelite meditation of yesterday. About charity. In my words, charity is the greatest gift that the Holy Spirit can give us. I think that my words may be the exact words of the meditation so here is the reference: Divine Intimacy, by Father Gabriel of Mary Magdalene. 

I have decided to follow along with the calendar in Divine Intimacy, reading only the first meditation of the day, and skipping everything else. I try to meditate on the quote I choose for twenty minutes. And I try to keep the quote, and/or the meaning of the quote for me, in mind throughout the next day. Until I read the next meditation.

In my little life, I have not found any authors so inspiring as St. John of the Cross and Father Gabriel. I thank God that I have these books to read, for without them life would be grim for me. 

July

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Thought summer would never arrive. It did, for a while. Sometimes in the afternoon the sun came out. Sometimes a day or two of heat. I notice the garden needs both sun and rain to flourish. Despite the late start to summer, the garden is doing better this year than ever before. 

The marigolds are a little flustered by all the rain, but the the lady’s mantle are very happy. It is easier to pull the tall invasive couch grass out when the soil is damp. I never manage to get it all out though. Good thing I am not a perfectionist.  

St. John of the Cross gets ever more mystical and beyond reach, but still satisfying. I have returned to my Carmelite meditation book for more down to earth inspiration. 

Especially appreciated were readings on the Sacred Heart in Divine Intimacy by Father Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalene. He often includes prayers written by saints in his mediations.  

 

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Back on the path

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St. Francis has been rescued from the raspberry patch and relocated to flower bed. A moment ago I accidentally deleted a post I spent quite awhile making. Oh well. I shall make a shorter one. 

What I mean by “on the path” is making posts on this site. About my spiritual reading. Last night as usual, St. John of the Cross.:

…virtues keep the soul so tranquil and safe…

St. John is referring to saintly people not to virtually virtue-less people such as me. The theological virtues are faith, hope and charity. I have some faith, some hope at times, but no charity. I am too nervous and afraid. 

There is a carpenter working on a roof for my stairs. I think my cat is hiding under my bed. I have been planning that roof for a long time. Both cat and I will be much safer this winter without snow falling on the stairs. 

It is almost solstice. Not very warm and the creeks and lake are very high. The garden is finally starting to grow a bit. The vegetables taste superb. Maybe strawberries in a few weeks… 

windymon031

return

Back at this domain with wounds. I tried something new, was doing alright, but accidentally (or carelessly, or ignorantly and impatiently or all of the above), lost my content. Fortunately some of it was still here in the trash of this website. Not the newer stuff– that is gone beyond me. But the old stuff I can build upon.

St. John of the Cross is still my spiritual reading choice. His ideas have got so beyond me that I have difficultly finding a daily quote that is short enough to remember and relate to during the next day. I am well into The Spiritual Canticle, yes, but I now  find reading takes effort.

Last night I caught a quote St. John took from the Gospel of St. John:

“Leap up into life everlasting”

(John Book 4, verse 14). The quote certainly leapt up to me. I feel trust, hope, faith, and optimism. Things I can never have enough of. 

At the Zoom  morning prayer service today, the leader tried a style of Lectio Divina. I cringed, tightly clasped my hands and fought against shutting the sound off. The reading and reflections were short and sincere though. I was not up to contributing, but appreciated the contributions of others. Hours later I find I feel much calmer than I did before the Zoom service. Thank you all. 

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