Time for Change
About a month ago, hours after my Covid booster shot, I felt a bit of a reaction and headed for bed. I took off my necklace (a cross I have worn for years) and put it away. I slept on and off. In the morning I felt better. I also felt free-er. I said hello to Jesus (in my mind) and dispensed with the long litany of personal prayer I had recited for years. I wanted to attend an Advent church service.
I had not attended church for over a year due mainly to Covid. Also depression, not wanting to get up early and drive to town, and above all a sort of religious isolation which I thought was unhealthy. I managed to make it in for the Advent IV service, just before the bishop closed all the churches due to Covid. This was the Anglican Church. The Anglican Church is where the good music is.
I attended a Zoom Sunday December 26 service with the same church. I hope to get involved more. Hard with being distanced in miles. I am not a great Zoom lover. The next morning I woke up groping in my memories for something. “We do not presume to come to this thy table…” These words, and the concept of them, had been absent from the Zoom service. I realized that, to me, this concept of expressing humility before communion is a must. In the Catholic service it was “Oh Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed” which has now been changed just a bit at the end I think.
A realization came to me. I went hunting up the words in the Book of Common Prayer and sure enough, there was the entire phrase in eloquent Olde English.
A long story in a few words… my Catholic mother left the Church and did not baptize me. As an adult I was baptized into the Roman Catholic Church. After a few years, I found myself singing in an Anglican choir. I learned about Matins, and Evensong, and the Book of Common Prayer. And how to sing in parts. For many years I seesawed back and forth, returning to the Catholic Church out of a sense of duty, then leaving out of a sense of frustration. I realized that morning after my booster shot something had changed in me.
For many years I had fooled myself somehow, buried my head in personal prayers and feelings of obligation to attending Mass. For me, not healthy. Not me at all. Putting aside all self deception and confusion, and trying to listen to my inner voice, I took a deep breath and plunged ahead. To where, I am not sure. But it is towards the light, of that I am sure.
